Are we ever alone?

I surmise I may be one of those who never settle down with a forever, life partner. I wonder, if it's even possible. Not to sound like a broken hearted skeptic... But if were constantly changing, growing - how do we change in such a way to match or mesh with our partners changes? We can change in ways the conflict greatly. I guess it depends on how powerful the similarities are. I suppose it is possible. It will be later in the game for me. This I know. I'm okay with this.

I want to sigh, but I won't

I know, well - I guess I don't know, but I fear that I will never be the person who commits to something "religiously" 

The only thing I have committed to without falter has been fitness. But I suppose even that was years coming. For years I was off and on, months or weeks at a time.

So in that success, there is hope,

I will sleep with that hope tonight.

I don't like everybody

I've have to admit and accept that I don't and never will like everybody. We all have values and morals, pet peeves and negative feelings. Part of the package, me thinks. I 

However, I really struggle accepting this. I beat myself up constantly over my distaste for certainly people and their ways. I'm trying to see the good, but it doesn't erase or cancel out the bad. And there's always things that are "personal"... Ya know? Something that personally offends you, gets your goat, and it feels like an attack against who you are. Those are the hardest things to just, look past and get over.

And then, there's that oh so ugly but oh so natural feeling of envy/jealousy. Feeling this in combination with the personal attack makes for a deadly and powerful combination of ill feeling forces. 

My question, is how does one combat this in an effort to be more cheerful, open minded, and compassionate? 

There is a way.

Effort #1.

Fake the kindness. I've always been a firm believer in fake it till you make it. Eventually, it can increase good and decrease not so good.

Effort #2.

Put yourself in his or her shoes

Effort #3.

Perspective. Look at it from a different angle...?

(I'm trying here)

For now, I'm tired and it's bed time.

Stay tuned for "The Conversion"

To be a feline

"He/she tried to change me"

a recent confliction (I guess that is a word based on the lack of a red line underneath it)...

anyhow - I want to talk the r word here... the one that rhymes with smationtips.

Who decides, where is the line between motivating someone and trying to change someone

lets all be honest, and I have said it before - we are constantly changing, growing...

so why does everyone get all up in a tizzy when someone tries to "change someone"?

I know I am personalizing this based on my own experience - but we are encouraged to surround ourselves with people who support/motivate/inspire/encourage us. Support us to cope? Encourage us to grow? Inspire us to dream? Encourage us to face challenges? in growing - we change/adapt into ideally better versions of our current selves. When we are faced with challenges - we grow. When we dream - we envision a scenario different than the one we are in. that is change.

Change is not a bad thing We have control in making changes that will hopefully benefit ourselves. I for one hope I continue to change until the day I push up daisies. ''

a life without change?
bore city!
no thank you. Ill pass

Will I?

oh dear lord...

I just went through and revisited old blog posts... my oh my how the mighty have fallen. One line in particular struck me to the core...

I wrote "people always say that I am too happy, too optimistic, and too nice."

Did I use it all up? Did I not ration my lifetime supply of happiness? I thought it was like an all you can eat buffet.

Well - maybe it is. Maybe I just got lost on my way back from the powder room.

Okay - enough milling... I have had enough. Enough moping. Enough crying. Enough anger. I am pouring it all down the drain and beginning fresh.

I will write again.
I will create.
I will listen to new music.
I will read old books.
I will listen to old music.
I will read new books.
I will join the community.
I will do the things that scare me.
I will go it alone.
I will do the unthinkable.
I will be honest.
Brutally honest.
I will explore.
I will persist
I will continue
I will love
I will see
I will see the error in my ways
I will be patient
but I will not wait forever
I will be proactive
I will be fierce
I will be powerful
I will change
I will change
I will change
for me

signing off
warrior reborn

Confession of sorrow

Sorry for the emo title -

in this moment, and in many moments at this time in my life... I feel weak, angry, lost, alone, empty, hollow, and most heart breaking of all - in my opinion - uninspired.

every day, my life draws closer to its inevitable end... and every day, I fail to live.

I fully acknowledge that not every moment will be full of bliss and splendor... there will be dull moments and pain, sadness and regret... but I refuse to believe that the very minimal, few and far between moments of joy I feel these days, is all there is.

when I allow myself to truly feel, the undesirable feelings I try desperately to mask, the tears come quickly, often without provocation... the anger builds and I find myself wanting to break mirrors, punch walls, and cause damage.

I deny, on a daily basis, what I truly feel is what I need to do, because of the excruciating results I know that my actions would bring about,



...ponder...



in this moment, I have no more words.

I just needed to get that out,

I will return,